At launch, the Xbox 360 was pitched squarely at the so-called “hardcore” gaming market, with grade-A titles dominated by gory first-person shooters and realistic driving games. Developers and publishers, however, were quick to realise that the ever-increasing age of the average gamer means that many now have wives and kids, creating a pre-installed, but untapped, user-base of potential “casual” gamers. The success of the Nintendo Wii has highlighted only too well how much money there is to be made from such a demographic, and thus titles aimed at younger players (and girls) have become a regular fixture in the Xbox top-sellers chart. Viva Pinata is one such game.
Despite the word “review” up at the top of the page, I have no intention of going into a great amount of detail about Pinata, but will say just enough to allow me to ridicule it: It’s basically a Sims-style game, which sees you building and maintaining a garden, in the hope of encouraging wildlife to come and live there. Except the wildlife is actually piñatas (straw animals filled with sweets) with horrific pun names. Once certain requirements are met, the piñatas can be bred (sorry, “romanced”) which allows you to sell off the excess and use the proceeds to attract bigger-and-better piñatas. And before you know it, the casual gamer in your household will be grinding the highly-addictive piñata-treadmill without actually questioning whether or not they’re having any fun.
While you’re forced to sit and watching your loved-one stare blank-eyed and mouth-open at the technicolour crack of Pinata, you’ll need someway to entertain yourself. I can offer three possibilities:
- Play Viva Punata, in which you attempt to come up with better names for the sweets/animals than the creators managed. Sparrowmint? Rubbish, it should be Battenbird! Whirlm? Seriously, is that the best they could do? I give you Curly Wormy!
- When left alone with the controller, change the names of the individual “fudgehogs” to those of your two most macho male friends. Then make them romance and give all their offspring hoity-toity names like Quentin and Tarquin.
- If your kid/girlfriend pops out for an emergency toilet break, find the most sickly-sweet piñata in their collection (preferably a Pretztail, a particularly vomit-inducingly-cute fox). Now, bash its head in with the shovel, causing it to explode all over the grass. Then giggle maniacally as its sugary innards are eagerly eaten-up by the other garden residents. Feels good, doesn’t it?
[...] here I am, reviewing the game, which suggests – though doesn’t necessarily guarantee – that I’ve spent a fair amount of time playing it. In fact, my purchase of Gears was [...]
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